Too Much Information
by Mein Liebling
Summary: Every first year is required to have a mandatory sex lesson taught by their head of house. It's as horrifying as it sounds. :: "Don't do sex. You'll die."


"So. Let's talk about sex." Snape pointed at the chalkboard hung up in front of the fireplace, pointing his wand at the word _sex_ , which had been underlined twice.

The first years looked at him with distinct horror.

"Don't do sex. You'll die."

* * *

Ron Weasley raised his hand weakly, his face nearly as bright red as his hair. "P-Professor? Is that even possible?"

Professor McGonagall's lips twisted upwards at the corner. "Oh yes, Mr. Weasley," she said, watching with amusement as her young lions shifted awkwardly in their seats, trying not to look at each other. "Quite possible. In fact, there are some more ways of sex besides just anal sex-"

* * *

Pomona Sprout cheerfully regarded the Hufflepuffs. "Now, we'll get to sex, but I believe first now's a good time to go over menstruation. Can anyone tell me what menstruation is?"

Hannah Abbott raised her hand, and told her bluntly, "My grandmother said it's when we start to bleed because every time a man does something stupid enough to draw blood, we're forced to bleed instead because of a curse."

Professor Sprout blinked, "Very close, but not quite."

* * *

"And so he puts his woohoo in her hoohaha-"

"Professor Flitwick? Is that really what they're called?"

Flitwick nodded seriously. His first years were learning very quickly- some were even taking notes!

(Oh, Merlin, was that a bad thing? He was never very good at this. Maybe the diagrams were too much. Should he have rented out that dummy? Maybe there were some videos-

No! Flitwick, don't do this to yourself! You can't show first years porn!)

* * *

Pomona levitated the basket of condoms and lube, before tasking some of the nearest first years to pass out bags of tampons and kotex.

She wondered why they even had to present this to the first years - most of these kids weren't even ready for the centaurs and the hippogriffs talk anyways! - but rules were rules.

Oh, wait, she knew why. Too many teenage pregnancies.

Too many eyefulls whenever you opened a broom closet.

She nodded to herself.

Far too many.

* * *

"And there are many words for the vagina. Five points to whoever can name a few."

The first years shifted. Snape raised an eyebrow. "No one? Well, I'll be happy to provide you with a few. There's the vagina, pussy, cunt, clunge-"

Draco Malfoy passed out, it was too much for him to bare. Daphne Greengrass pushed his unconscious body off his chair and took his spot.

"-vajayjay, lady bits, snatch-"

* * *

McGonagall smiled at she patted Neville on the head. "Five points to Gryffindor for the correct knowledge of the differences between oral and anal."

Neville felt as if he was going to die.

Harry shot him a look.

Neville shrugged, a terrified look passing over his face. "I live my my grandmother. You don't know what she does when she thinks she's put up wards."

Harry handed Neville a conveniently near rubbish bin. "Mate, you look like you're going to throw up."

"I am."

* * *

"And while impossible for muggles, it is physically possible for wizards when we use our wands to-"

"Sir?" Anthony looked at the diagram with wide, wide eyes. "Is that really possible?"

Flitwick brightened. "Oh, yes! With a careful levitation charm and cushioning charm-"

* * *

"And what will we remember?"

"Don't go chasing people who don't want to."

"And what will we do?"

"Practice safe sex."

"And if we ever meet someone in the dead of night when it's snowing in London and you just got broken up and you're sobbing on a park bench?"

"Professor?" Hermione raised her hand. "We didn't cover this. Are you speaking from experience?"

Minerva froze.

"New topic! To successfully pleasure a woman it's best to-"

* * *

"And that," Snape's voice was as dry as ever. "Is how babies are made."

Pansy Parkinson looked the boys around her with wide eyes. _"Gross."_

"But, it's different when it's a homosexual relationship. I know that many of you are going to experiment while you're at Hogwarts, which is natural-"

"I don't want a dick in me." Theodore Nott clutched his stomach, turning slightly green. "Wouldn't that hurt?"

"If you were listening even slightly, Mr. Nott, that with the correct preparation of sexual arousement and lube-"

* * *

"While you're here, you may get something you might describe as 'butterflies in your stomach' or 'special feelings'."

"What does 'special feelings' mean?"

Professor Sprout tapped her wand to the wall, where a diagram magically appeared. "It's usually when you-"

* * *

"Bloody hell." Terry Boot whispered.

Anthony nodded in agreement, his nose starting to bleed slightly. "Bloody hell."

"And that, children, is the correct way to put on a condom and insert it into the-"

* * *

"Professor Snape?" Blaise Zabini's voice was bland as always. Pansy marveled at his ability to stay calm when faced with something like- like-

 _This._

"Will we really die if we have too much sex?"

Snape nodded. "Most definitely."

Blaise thought about it for a second. "Well, definitely makes sense concerning my mother, then."

Everyone near him inched away.

"It's like cooties, but much, _much_ worse." Pansy muttered to Daphne, who nodded quickly. _"Much worse."_

* * *

"And this is one of the many toys that can help pleasure someone instead of a partner, or with a partner if one does choose so-"

"My eyes!"

* * *

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but wow, that's hot." Harry stared at the projection coming from McGonagall's wand.

Ron gave him a sideways look. "Mate, that's gay."

"Don't care."

* * *

"And finally, here are some more condoms, which I'll leave on the table for you to come and grab. Any questions?" Professor Sprout beamed at her traumatized Hufflepuffs.

"N-No. You covered all the topics in g-great detail, Professor." Justin stuttered.

Sprout clapped her hands together. "Wonderful! Now, if any older students hiding on the stairs want any condoms- Oh! I almost forgot! Any time you girls need any kotex or tampons, or condoms or lubes, feel free to come to my office to grab some!"

The children looked at her in horror.

"This goes for any Head of House- Professor Snape, Flitwick- so you can also go to them!"

Susan turned to Hannah. "Those poor girls." She whispered. "Those poor, poor girls."

* * *

"'Is there anybody there?' said the Traveller,

Knocking on the moonlit door;

And his horse in the silence champed the grasses

Of the forest's ferny floor-"

 _"Professor Flitwick we really did not need to know that yes it's entirely possible to make a poem sound sexy-"_

 _"Oh god I'll never look at De La Mare the same way ever again-"_

* * *

"And thus, we conclude our lesson."

The Slytherins sighed in relief.

"Now, onto our demonstrations-"

* * *

 _ **Those poor bastards.**_

 _ **My prompt was horror- I think this is horror personified. Can't get much worse than this.**_

 _ **Using prompts horror, chasing, park bench (the picture), and the poem The Listeners.**_

 _ **I don't own HP.**_


End file.
